2012 has been a year of many highs and lows, but what I have learned through everything we have been through is the tough lesson of giving up. This may sound silly since in today's world, we are taught to never ever give up. "Keep on keeping on" and ""You just have to get back on that horse" are just a couple of things we hear when the going gets tough. And, while this is true, one thing we are rarely taught is how to give up our own control and plans.
If you know me at all, you know I'm a bit of a control freak and borderline OCD (self-diagnosed thanks to webMD). Giving up control was never an option. Ever.
When we moved to Louisiana on September 30, 2011, my plan was to survive the year and get back to Houston ASAP. The more I realized my plan was not feasible, the deeper I sank into depression. It took me over five months to give God control of my life's plan, and it wasn't until I made the conscious decision to make Louisiana my home, that living seemed to get a little easier. Two weeks later, our house reopened, and Jarrod's then employers were gracious enough to let us move back home.
Right before we moved, I found a lump in my right breast and called my OB about it. The nurse and I both decided it was from nursing, and I wrote it off, completely forgetting about it. In July I randomly found it...and another one. Crap. This is when I decided to give up my boobs (not really, but I did tell Jarrod if it was cancer I would just have them chopped off. Jarrod on the other hand had a different opinion on the matter;) -whatever). There are no words for the overwhelming peace I felt when gave everything up to God. After talking with a surgeon who assured me I DIDN'T have cancer, but still needed surgery, we set a date for August 1. Everything went well, and Jarrod and I were even able to host an Olympic viewing party for our Bible study class that evening...and we even left the next day for our beach trip!
Again, if you know me at all, you will know that I had been borderline obsessed with giving E Baby a sibling as quickly as I could, but with the lack of maternity coverage, that obviously needed to wait. About a week before my surgery I was praying and talking with God, just expressing how much I love our daughter, and if He decided she was supposed to be an only child, I was more than happy with the extraordinary gift He had already given us. Honestly, I think I decided that I/we were done. I had a tough pregnancy with E Baby, and didn't necessarily want to go through that again. Nine days after my surgery, God told me to quit telling Him what to do. I was nearly 4 weeks pregnant. This time, I learned the lesson of giving up life plans!
Now, ten weeks later, I am writing to you from my bed. Yesterday, I was given the devastating news that I had been diagnosed with subchorionic hemorrhage. In short, I have bleeding in three different spots about 4cm big (very large) between my uterine wall and the baby's placenta. This wouldn't be such an issue had this shown up
A. Earlier in the pregnancy
B. There weren't as many of them (I think one is average, but I have three)
C. They weren't as large - the smaller they are, the easier it is for the placenta to just absorb them.
But since I am ending my first trimester and beginning my second, this is in fact a HUGE deal. Yesterday, I also realized that now I need to give up the privilege of motherhood...for now. Not only am I physically incapable of caring for E Baby, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to help our youngest child survive right now. Our child is literally in the hands of God until it is time for her (or him) to either be delivered healthfully or go to Heaven. Either way, I consider it an enormous gift. If we are able to know and raise our child, we have been given the opportunity to raise them in the way of God that would honor Him. If God calls him (or her) to heaven before we get to meet them, the greatest thing I can do as a parent is to present our child just as pure and innocent as they were given to us.
Originally, I decided not to make the obligatory Facebook pregnancy announcement, but again, I guess i am giving up control of that now too! I can't imagine anything more humiliating than people looking at me with that pity in their eyes telling me how sorry they are, but more than I need my pride (again, giving up that too!), I need your prayers.
Here are a few very specific requests I have:
1. ThatGod would heal my body, all the while keeping our second child safe and healthy.
2. We obviously knew E Baby's world would be turned upside down, we just didn't think it would be quite this way or so soon. As I am her main caretaker, please pray she adjusts to me not being able to be with her 24/7, but that she allows others to take care of her and me
3. Jarrod still has to travel frequently, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for him not to be here with us. Also, thank God for the rock that he is.
4. My caretakers - since I am only allowed to use the bathroom and take a shower, not only will they (mainly my mom) have to pick up my slack, but also my 10 million mood swings and grumpiness for being under bed arrest...sometimes a girl just wants to go to Hobby Lobby!
5. Please pray that in everything, I will continue to give God the praise He so righteously deserves, that I stay optimistic and positive, and I continue to seek God for comfort throughout this hard, vessel shaping experience.
Thank you to each and every one of you who have already offered to help in any way possible, your encouraging words, and your thoughtful prayers. More than you know, you are such a blessing to all four of us!
I will do my best to keep you updated.
Thank you and love-
J Squared + E Squared
Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God.