Thursday, September 1, 2011

Anywhere But There

My heart hurts.  Literally.  Not in the, "I'm really sad" sense (which I am), but I feel my MVP acting up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. My stomach has been in knots for days too.  So much so, that even the thought of food makes me want to vomit.  Since I'm still breastfeeding, I eat when I can and just pray that it all stays down.   Oh, and then there is the pounding headache and blurry vision I've had since Friday.  Not even my beloved Butalbital or Tiger Balm is helping.  I also can't seem to shake the nightmares I'm having of CPS taking Elliot away from me for being a bad mom.  I find myself walking in circles not knowing what to do, but not being able to be still. I don't know how these feelings could get any worse, but I know they can.  They always can, and I'll be waiting for them when they come knocking at my door.

Here's the scoop:

Last April, Jarrod interviewed for a higher position with his company.  They decided that instead of hiring him for that particular job, they would expand his territory to ALL of Texas except for the panhandle.  For a couple of days though, we were excited about the possibility of moving to Louisiana and being closer to my parents.  I never told him about the mixed feelings I had, and I'd probably be more upset about leaving home than excited about moving to Louisiana.  When he was given the promotion instead, to say that I was secretly relieved would be an understatement.

Fast forward several months. This past Thursday (a week ago, today) Jarrod's boss asked if he would be interested in moving to Louisiana.  Since I never told him that I never wanted to go, Jarrod told him that we would all LOVE to move back. Friday morning, he was told to be in Morgan City Monday morning.  Friday evening we were told that they would be taking us out to dinner on Sunday evening instead of a meeting on Monday.  So, at dinner, Jarrod was presented with an offer, and I immediately told him I didn't want to go.  The whole trip home, I cried, because I knew deep down Jarrod was going to say, "yes."  By Monday evening we decided to stay, move, and stay again.  By Tuesday the decision had been made.  We are moving.  But wait, it gets better.  Not only are we moving, but we ONLY have a month before Jarrod will be the Sales Manager at LAPCO over the whole company.  ONE MONTH to take in all of Houston that I can before we are shipped to an entirely different world.

Please, don't get me wrong.  I'm thrilled for Jarrod.  This is a huge opportunity for him that will open countless doors of even more opportunities in the future. I'm just a little sad for me, and terrified for Elliot. Houston is HOME.  It has been since Jarrod and I started dating.  It always will be.

Jarrod told me to give it a year.  If I was still miserable, we could come back.  While I don't want to have these feelings and be miserable for an entire year, my deepest desire is to be here.  Home.

So, for now, instead of browsing pinterest to get amazing ideas for our house, I will be staging it for strangers to walk in and see how amazing (or horrific) it is.  I know in my head that this is (probably) the best thing for us, but right now my heart is taking a little more convincing.

That is all the news I have for now.  I will try and update as we figure out a little more like where we'll live and when we'll actually be moving.


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